Islam Blog

“There is nothing like marriage for two who love one another.” Narrated by Ibn Maajah (1847) and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan Ibn Maajah.

In most Muslim cultures, parents play a huge role in nuptial decisions. The youth react to this in many ways. From being totally submissive, to absolutely rebellious, and everything in between. If you’re not already married, sooner or later you’re going to face this situation. And the folks who are married, aren’t escaping either. Some day, you will have to marry off your children.

So the big question is, ‘My parents are forcing me to marry someone I don’t like. What do I do?’ and from the parents’ side, it’s ‘We’ve made the perfect choice for our kid. Why doesn’t he/she understand?’ The three basic ways to deal with these situations are:

- One of them gives in to the other’s decision
- They’re at complete loggerheads. The kid doesn’t involve the parents. The parents don’t attend the wedding.
- They come to a mutually agreeable decision (ideally)

So how do you handle this situation? Here are couple of tips. Don’t forget, this advice goes to the kids and parents.

1. Empathize: I can’t stress on this enough. Always try to see things from the other person’s perspective. You don’t necessarily have to agree with them. But putting yourself in their shoes helps you appreciate their stand. You’re less likely to get angry if they don’t agree with you. Empathy also gets rid of unnecessary emotional stress. It also facilitates clear and objective thinking. The key to empathy is presence of mind. Don’t lose your cool in a heated discussion. Stay calm and things will always be in control.

2. Be Proactive: Don’t be afraid to talk about marriage. Set down your expectations. Don’t hesitate to tell your parents what you expect from your future spouse. And keep their concerns in mind as well. You are never going to convince them to marry you to a ‘rock star wannabe.’ So give up that idea and think practically. If you’re reasonable about your expectations, there is no reason for them to not listen. If you say stupid things, you’re going to lose credibility.

3. Talk: Again, this point is simply an extension of the one above. Come out and talk about your likes, dislikes, concerns, whatever that’s on your mind. If you’re closer to your Mom, talk to her first. Parents, please make yourself available to your children. Don’t shut them out. If they’re old enough to get married, then they’re young adults. So treat them that way.

4. Advice: This one is for the parents. Don’t forget to tell your children what marriage means. The joys it brings. The responsibilities involved. A major cause for divorce can be ignorance. Kids don’t know what to expect in a marriage. And their parents never told them. Now, they’re completely confused. So parents, tell your children what they should expect. Prepare them mentally for the life ahead.

5. What to look for: When you’re choosing a spouse. Look for two things. Religiosity and good character. Let me elaborate.

Do they pray five times a day? Do they have some basic religious knowledge? Does the guy have a beard? Does the girl adhere to proper hijab? Do they talk sensibly?

These are just a few points. Apart from looking at the good, don’t forget to keep your eye out for the bad. If someone’s bad, chances are they will show it. You just need to be careful when you’re looking. Parents play an important role here. There isn’t a parent who wouldn’t want a good spouse for their child. But sadly, due to the lack of religiosity amongst us, the standards are very different. Here’s where points 2 and 3 come in. Make it absolutely clear who you’re looking for.

“A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty or her religion. Choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust [i.e., may you prosper]!” (Bukhari & Muslim).

6. Be Flexible: Don’t keep ridiculously high standards for everything. Especially for money, looks, and social status. What should be high on your agenda is religion, but even here, I think you can be flexible. If a person seems good in the faraaidh and waajibaat, its fine enough. Flexibility is particularly important once you’re married. No matter how much you hate it, you’re not going to avoid arguments with your spouse. Here’s where flexibility comes in. Also, if you’ve been practicing on the first three points, this shouldn’t be too hard to handle.

Keep these points in mind and you should be able to sail through this whole ‘pick a spouse’ business unscathed.

The rule for parents is: Always keep your children’s considerations in mind when searching for a suitable match. They should be allowed to make the choice of who they spend the rest of their lives with.

The rule for children is: Give weightage your parents’ thoughts and advice. They cared for you when you were completely helpless, and there is nothing you can do that will compensate for it. So the least you can do is respect their sentiments.

I’m sure there are other points that readers would like to highlight. Care to share them?