Islam Blog

Dealing with bad relatives is a major pain point for most people. For Muslims this is bigger problem mainly because it is very sinful for us to break blood ties. It is sad to hear when immediate family members aren’t on talking terms or if they haven’t met for months or even years. The general meaning of a hadeeth conveys that we shouldn’t cut off conversation with a fellow Muslim for more than 3 days. However, when tempers flare, the first thing that goes out the window is the deen.

Each problem is unique and so is the solution. We can use certain guiding principles to help us when it comes to dealing with relatives and family. I would divide family members in to three categories.

• Those I can absolutely NOT offend
• Those who are my peers (generation and relation-wise)
• Those younger than me

The first category is usually the ones older than me. Top of this list would be my parents. You can truly understand the worth of parents by asking those who don’t have them. You can also understand this to a degree when you become a parent yourself. To understand why you should honor your parents, I recommend reading this answer. This category however will not include everyone who is older than me. The rule with this group is that you can talk to them and try reasoning with them on points that you disagree on. But you cannot offend them at all. And if they are adamant on any issue, then you should give in to their demands as long as it isn’t contrary to Islam. This will make this group very small as there are only a few people you can unconditionally give this ‘privilege of sorts’ to. As with everything else, there may be shortfalls with this group to. But you must try to adhere to this rule as best you can.

The second category generally consists of siblings, cousins and the likes. Dealing with them should be on equal terms. The rule with them is to give and take respect. However, to be kind and forgiving in their case usually gives you the upper hand in the akhirah if Allah wills. Being too casual or forgiving in their case may turn out to be against your interest and you’ll end up not being able to bear them. Therefore, it is good to put your foot down once in a while. This is however, when you’re having problems with them. If they can be nice with you overall, then things shouldn’t be too difficult to handle at this level.

The final category usually includes children and the generation after ours. The way you show respect to your elders, you should show kindness to them. Being harsh isn’t good here but that doesn’t mean you should be lenient. Prophet Muhammad said keep your whip where your family can see it. The more they respect your authority but don’t force you to be harsh, the easier things will be at this stage if Allah wills. The thing with your own children is: When the children are 0-7 years old, don’t be too stern with them. If they aren’t behaving well, just warn them and ignore their antics. They should and will understand the lines that they cannot cross. When they’re 7-14 years old, that’s when you should be most strict.

They should perceive, one parent (preferably the father) as an enemy (not in the actual sense) This is the stage where you’ll mold their character, beliefs, etiquette, general outlook. This is the stage where they shouldn’t be allowed to do as they wish. Once you’ve taken the rebel out of them, the rest of their lives should be fine if Allah wills. From here on, the harsh parent becomes really soft and the child should see a ‘different’ person in them. I know there will be many who’ll disagree with this way of parenting. However, if you can produce any valid alternatives (barring the failed western models) I’d be happy to see them.

In conclusion, I’d like to say; keep a good temperament. Don’t lose your cool. Silence always trumps hurtful words. Take care of others’ feelings and yours too.